♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ This thing always
reminds me of a duck. [as Donald Duck]
Time to open my vagina! -Quack, quack, quack.
-Put that down. ♪♪ [normal voice] Sorry. [clears throat] Is Dr. Olson gonna be long? Oh, she’s out today. Dr. Bennett
will be covering. -Okay.
-He’s great. That — He’s… He’s a guy? Yes. Is he like — is he, like,
really old and doctory? Because I didn’t —
I didn’t — I didn’t wax my… [door opens, closes] Dr. Bennett:
Hello. I’m Dr. Bennett. ♪ Just came here ♪ ♪ And I don’t want
you to leave ♪ ♪ I’ll stay here ♪ ♪ And get it started with me ♪ ♪ Can’t blame ya ♪ ♪ We bump into ya, baby ♪ All right, let’s see
what we got here. Oh, look at that.
Happy birthday. Well, how
do you know that? You — You counting
the rings down there?
[chuckles] No, I have your, uh… Oh, right.
Stupid — my chart. [both chuckle] -All right.
-[clears throat] Well, I was gonna go over
a few things here, and…then
we’ll set you free. -You can go celebrate.
-Great. Thanks. Uh… So, it says here it’s been
a little over two years since your last Pap smear.
Is that correct? Yeah, yeah. I haven’t had
any sexual partners, so, no. Oh, okay. No sexual partner. Well, you don’t —
you don’t have to write down, “No sexual partners.”
I’ve had sex before. -Ah.
-Like, a lot. Well, not a lot.
I’m not a slut. No, I wasn’t thinking
that you — You know, ’cause, the last —
the last two years, I’ve had,
like, no sex at all. So, I mean — Has it
really been two years? We don’t need to talk
about it anymore. -I have all the information.
-You know what? I think it’s probably
fine down there. We can just come back
when I’m having sex again. No, no, it’s okay.
Honestly, I mean, you know, you’re here,
you might as well… get it done, right? Especially since
there’ll be no STD testing or family-planning
concerns, I assume. No, no, that’s — that’s not —
way in the future. Not even thinking
about that yet. Okay. Well, I should
let you know that, um, if you
are ever thinking about having kids someday, the decline in fertility
accelerates rapidly after 35. -Rapidly?
-Mm-hmm. Just — Just something to,
you know, think about. Uh-huh. Okay. [sighing] All right. [glove snaps] Okay. So, I’ll just, um…
We need to… And if you could just, uh, scoot towards me
a little bit, please. [sighs] [chuckles] La– Closer. Okay.
[clears throat] A little closer. You just want to get
to the very edge. Any closer and I’ll be
your beard, okay? You know what? This is fine.
I can do it from here. -Okay.
-Speculum, please. Thank you. Okay. -[sighs]
-Okay, I just need a… Take a deep breath,
try to relax. [sighs] -All right.
-[click] Gonna hear some clicks. [clicking] Uh, cytobrush, please. [gasps] -It’s in the other room.
-[door opens] I’ll be right back. [door closes] Um… She’ll be right back. -[chuckling] Right.
-[chuckles] It’s okay. [clears throat] [sighs]
We’ll just wait. Yeah. [sighs] I guess we… Oh. [chuckles] [footsteps in distance] [sighs] You have any plans
for your big day? I mean, besides coming
to the gynecologist? [both laugh] -No, no, just working.
-Gotcha. This is the only action
I’m getting today. [laughs] Oh, no, I didn’t mean like —
I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean this was action.
You know? I would have at least waxed,
[chuckles] which I normally do,
by the way. You just — You’re catching me
right before I go in. I actually have an appointment
today, right after this. Today is my day
of appointments. Probably should have done
that one first, though, right? No, no, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not
that bad at all. I mean, it’s not bad. I mean, I’m not good —
Just fine. You have to grow your hair out
when you wax, okay? That’s how it works, So that’s why mine
looks like that right now. It doesn’t normally
look like that. Just right before I wax,
which I’m doing today. I mean, not bald.
Gonna leave a little hair. -I’m not seven.
-Right. I always think it’s strange
when guys are into girls like that, you know.
You need something, right? Like a landing strip
or something, right? Ah, the cytobrush!
Awesome. Thank you. Okay. Just relax. [sighs] There we go.
Breathe through it. Olivia: Nobody wants to think
about getting older, but the reality is,
we all do. I mean, trust me, I know
from personal experience what happens
if you don’t plan ahead. Like, my dad had a heart attack
during a golf lesson and left my mom with nothing but a mortgage
and 12 more golf lessons. Definitely was not the future
that she planned. Let us help you set your family
up with life insurance and protect your family today. Great, I’ll transfer you
to Danny for an appointment. Okay. Aww, you brought me a cake. Jayne: Yeah. With a fuck-ton of candles! Mmm. ♪♪ Happy birthday. Does mom know you’re using
her story to sell insurance? Whatever. Mom’s living
in my guest room, -it’s my story now, too.
-Mmm. Danny, can you pick up
line two to schedule an appointment
for Mrs. Reeves? Will do. ♪ Hey, baby♪ ♪ Come on in,
I’ve been waiting for ya♪ God damn it, Danny,
I told you to use the intercom. Right, sorry —
more profesh. -Hey, Jayne.
-Hey. -So sporty.
-Thank you. -Is it your birthday?
-Line two. Oh, right. Birthday on a Friday night.
Do you want to go out? -Please say yes.
-No, I can’t. I’m doing L.A.E.s tonight. You’re getting laid tonight? No, L.A.E.s —
loss adjustment expenses. No, you need to go out
and meet real people. We’re gonna
get you real laid. You know, after three dates,
and if he’s husband material,
but… I don’t want to go out, Jayne.
I’m too tired. Well, yeah, that’s what
happens when you get old. -I am not old.
-Yeah. My God, couldn’t you
have just used a lighter? No, it’s so much
funnier this way. Okay. That’s enough. Here. Can — Can you get the grimace
off your face for one minute? My doctor told me I had
to freeze my eggs today because apparently
your ovaries explode at 35. Well, yeah, it’s true. The shit
is just drying up down there. Shut up, Jayne. My eggs
are plentiful and wet. You haven’t even
gone on one date -since you and Ryan broke up.
-Yeah, because I’ve been busy. Yeah, but there are
so many apps for that. We need to get you
on Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish,
Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, OKCupid,
Hinge, Zoosk, Badoo. All right, now you’re
just making up sounds. Okay, we can at least go out
one night for your birthday. Come on! We can go out
like we used to. You just want to go out
because you’re bored and you can finally drink. Okay, I love my life.
But have you seen my nipples? Oh — Jayne, oh, my God!
I — I fucking work here! Put your shirt down,
you psycho. No, I need you to look
at them, Olivia. 18 hours a day,
I swear to God, all I do is feed
that goddamn thing. I need a night out.
Please. Mrs. Reeves is
scheduled for Frid– -Oh, my God!
-Intercom, Danny. Go! I have some ChapStick
in my — -Go, please.
-Oh, sorry. Jim looks at me the same way
when he sees me naked. I need to get
my vagina tightened. Abby ripped it all the way
down to my butt with her big, fat head.
I don’t think it healed right. You have got to stop talking
about your ripped vagina in my office. Look, I’m abandoning my baby
for the first time to take you out
on your birthday so you don’t die alone. Olivia, you got to get out
and meet people. I’m good. Thanks. Fine. Go do your
stupid L.A.E.s all alone on a Friday night,
on your birthday, unmarried, no kids,
just completely by yourself while I’m at home being
showered in love by my family. All right, I get it —
I’m gonna be alone. Speaking of that…
thank you so much for my cake and for making me feel so great
on my birthday. I’ll call you later. All right.
Happy birthday. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ My God! Mom! You scared the shit
out of me! What is wrong
with your face? What? I watched Kylie Jenner’s
makeup tutorial on YouTube. Where are we going
to celebrate your birthday? ♪♪ We aren’t going anywhere.
I’m exhausted, and I still have
a lot of work to do. Life isn’t all about work. Says the lady who’s never
had a job in her life. Happy birthday. [paper rustling] Mm. [chuckles] I noticed some wrinkles,
around your eyes, popping up. You get that from your dad. But that should cover
your first unit of Botox. I think
you’re gonna love it. I’ve never had to do it,
but I’ll go with you. I’ll bring rose,
and we’ll have a girls’ day. I seriously can’t live
with that woman anymore. She’s making me crazy. Yeah, well, Mom’s batshit. I’m just happy
she got you out. -Hey.
-Oh, hello! Mwah. Oh, God, Jim,
what did you eat? I had garlic fries at work
a couple hours ago. -Hey, Olivia.
-Hey, Jim. All right, well,
you girls have fun tonight. Abby and I will
hold down the fort. Oh, babe, you should bring
some smatter tonight. What’s smatter? -No, Liv, don’t ask.
-Nothing. What’s the matter with you? -[laughs]
-That’s a great one, honey. Thank you so much.
Bye, honey. -I got to get ready.
-He’s so cute. Yeah, he’d be even cuter if he cared what I thought
about his breath. Now my upper lip
smells like garlic spit. Oh, my God,
these frickin’ boobs! Well, you better shove
those enormous, over-sucked purple nipples
into that dress and get out before
I change my mind. It’s already past my bedtime. Okay, well, the tits are in and I am on my way.
Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you
tonight? Can I get your biggest
iced coffee, please? Okay.
That will be $3.95. [engine idling] [window whooshes opens] Cashier:
[chuckling] My gosh! My mom
does the same thing! -It’s so funny.
-Hilarious. Oh, actually,
the girl that was in front of you
paid for your drink. What? Why? I guess just to pay it
forward, kind of thing. God, that is so nice. Let me pay for
that car behind me. Okay. -That’ll be $17.20.
-What the fuck? -Mine was like $3.00.
-Yeah. Well, okay, let me pay
for the car behind them. Uh, theirs is $19.80. What the hell
are people drinking? You don’t have to pay. I think she just wanted
to do something nice. No, I mean,
I-I want to pay. It just doesn’t seem fair,
you know? I got an iced coffee. Sure. Oh, God. Fine, here. [change jingling] All right, thank you. $37?! Yeah, for both cars.
Isn’t that what you said? [sighs] Have a great day. Thank you. -Oh, just a second, miss.
-Oh, you need to see my I.D.? No, you’re fine. You can’t bring
that drink inside. Look, I just paid 40 bucks
for a fuckin’ iced coffee. -Please.
-That’s…just stupid. I understand that, thank you. -You’re not bringing it in.
-It’s my birthday. Man, I mean, can’t you just
let this one thing slide? [sighs]
Happy birthday. -Thanks.
-No. No way. 40 bucks! -Now ask for my I.D.
-What? I said, “Ask for my I.D.” -Show me your I.D.
-Okay. [paper rustling] I forgot it. You’re fine.
Just go inside. Happy birthday. [music pulsating] -Happy birthday.
-I’m fucking old, Jayne! Whoa.
Why are you yelling? Sorry, I just drank
a shit-ton of coffee. I ordered us tequila shots. Alcohol’s a depressant.
It will counteract. -Okay. Oh, sure.
-Mmm. Mmm! Oh, do you think I look old?
‘Cause this is it. I’m, like,
officially mid-30s — like, right smack-dab
in the middle. The skin around my eyes looks
like a Shar Pei when I smile. Do you see the wrinkles?
Those showed up today. And, apparently, all my eggs
are drying up at a rapid pace. -I’m freaking out, Jayne.
-Oh, my God. Can you please– Sorry, sorry,
too much coffee. You know, I didn’t get
carded coming in here. Did you? I don’t think
I look that old, do you? Think I work too much, because
that can make you look old. God, I can’t believe
we actually made it out. We so needed this.
Your boobs look amazing! Okay, we need
to order more. You’re literally having
a conversation with yourself. But, first, I have
a surprise for you. -What?
-I signed you up for Tinder! ♪ I’m giving you the finger ♪ ♪ I’m pressing “delete” ♪ -♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
-[laughs] Get it? ‘Cause you gotta
kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. You used my real name? No — What — Where did you
even get this picture? From my bachelorette party. It was the only one I could
find of you not in a blazer. -Look at all the guys on here.
-Jayne, delete the app. What if someone I know
sees me on here? Everyone’s on here.
It’s really not a big deal. Seriously, take me off. Liv, you gotta
get back out there, okay? You need to start
kissing your toads soon. You’re gonna be like 70
before you find a good guy. End up like that lady —
desperate as fuck. -See, that’s sad.
-That’s your future. That’s Mom. Mom! Wow! -Mom, what are you doing here?
-What, you think you’re gonna go and celebrate your
birthday without me? Jayne tagged your
location on Instagram. What? I got bored
waiting for you. -Oh, God.
-Who’s our new dad? Oh, that’s Hank,
my Tinder date. I’ll call him later.
Girls’ night! See, Liv?
Even Mom’s on Tinder. Oh, if you’d just knock
the rust off your fuzz box. I mean, when was
the last time you got laid? Mom?! No, I’m serious,
do hymens grow back? Okay, we’re gonna need some
more shots, please — three. -I made her a Tinder profile.
-Thank you. -Ooh!
-Mm-hmm. Is that you?
Well, you look hot! -Thank you.
-Just try it tonight. Start kissing some toads. You said “toads”
one more time, Jayne, -I’m gonna slap you.
-I told you, you need Botox. I mean, look how good you look
without those crow’s-feet. -I’m gonna go pee.
-Wait. Ryan! -It’s Ryan, it’s Ryan.
-Let me see. What do you mean,
it’s Ryan? ♪♪ Okay. You know what? Fuck it. If he can move on, so can I.
Bye, Felicia! Oh, no, you just
swiped right on Ryan. What do you mean,
I swiped right on Ryan? What does that mean?
What does that mean, Jayne? Undo it! Fix it,
I mean, Jayne, fix it! Wait, wait, let me
just Tinder for you. Let me just Tinder for you.
It’s fine. No. Jayne, stop, stop, Jayne!
Fucking stop, Jayne! I don’t want to go out
with all these guys. -Come on, it’s fun.
-For you. Okay, this guy
works in insurance. Your pay-it-forward
karma’s coming back. Oh, he would love
your pantsuits, Liv. Stop, Jayne. But Cunningham’s
Insurance is huge. I always wanted
to work there. Doesn’t he have any pictures
with his shirt off, -like the rest of the guys?
-He’s 24 miles away. -So, Jayne?
-I’m inviting him out. -Stop.
-No, no, it’ll be good. -Jayne, stop, no!
-It’s been a while.
You need our help. I don’t want to go out
with that guy? What did you do?! Oh, my God, he just wrote
that he’s coming. -Date number one!
-Ooh! Oh, I hope you
shaved your vagina. Okay, I’m gonna
need another shot.
Thanks. ♪♪ -Oh, God, that’s him.
Just talk insurance. -You should be fine.
-Oh, I never peed. Don’t go now.
He’ll think you’re a weirdo. Hey. Hi, Olivia Maple.
Nice to meet you. Hi, Aaron Cunningham. -Cunningham?
-Mm-hmm. Like where you work,
Cunningham? Yeah, yeah. Like my dad,
who started the company. I’m the CEO, ’cause
my brother is an idiot. Olivia’s in insurance, too.
Aren’t you two cute? Mom, leave them alone. Sorry, this —
this is awkward, but this is my mom, Mary,
and my sister, Jayne. Wow.
That’s so funny, ’cause they weren’t
in your Tinder picture. We do not come as one. -No, I know, I know.
-It’s just me. That’s so cool that you… go out with your mom
and your sister. That’s crazy. Well, I had her
when I was 18, and most people think
that we’re sisters. -I can totally see that.
-[chuckles] Maybe I should get
everybody a drink. No, no, that’s okay,
that’s okay, they’re leaving. -Birthday shots!
-Yeah. Four tequila shots, please. -Whose birthday is it?
-It’s mine. I know it seems pathetic
that I came out on my birthday
with my mom and my sister, and that we went on Tinder
while we were here. But I swear to God,
I’m usually super normal. Know what? I’m not
a big fan of normal. That’s good.
[chuckles] Cheers. -Happy birthday.
-Thank you. -I’m glad I came.
-I am, too. She’s definitely awkward. Okay, do you — do you want
to go grab a table, alone? Yeah, I would love that.
I — not that I don’t
want to be on a date with all of
the sister-wives. That’s — This is
just her decision. Whoo. Come on. -Well, this is better.
-Yeah. Sorry, my family can be
a little out-there. Oh, they were great.
They were great. -Your sister is drunk.
-[laughing] Yeah. I mean, first date,
and I met your mom, so… Yeah, but that’s definitely
not something to brag about. -Trust me. I live with her.
-Oh. You live with your mom? I mean, no,
she lives with me, temporarily. -That’s cool.
-No, my dad died, -and she didn’t have —
-Oh, I’m sorry. This is way
too much information
to be giving on a first date. -It is.
-I’m gonna stop talking. How many red flags do you think
I’ve raised at this point? -Five.
-Five?! That’s okay.
Hey, I love red flags. -You love —
-You are putting up more red flags than China,
but, yes. Well, good thing you love them.
That’s awesome. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I’m hoping that you’ve got like 10 cats at home.
Yeah? -Oh, man. I have no cats.
-No cats? -I’m allergic.
-Oh, me, too. -Really?
-Yeah. I told you, I’m usually way
more normal than I am tonight. And I told you…
I’m not a fan of normal. ♪♪ You know, I always thought
Tinder was, -like, just a hook-up app.
-Oh, it is. We are totally banging
after this. -Oh, God.
-I’m so sorry. I was —
That was totally a joke. I have a very dry sense
of humor. I’m sorry. No, no, no.
No, you’re awesome, but I drank my body weight
before I came in here, and I’m about to
piss myself, so… Oh, don’t do that.
They have bathrooms for that. Oh. That’s
a much better idea. -Yeah.
-I’ll be, like, two seconds. -Okay, you want a drink?
-Um, no, I think I’m good. Thanks. Oh, God. Oh, okay. Excuse me,
I have to pee so bad. Is there a way I could
just cut in front of you? -Oh, you have to pee?
-Yeah. Oh, okay, why don’t you just go
ahead of all of us, then. We’re just standing here
as performance art. It’s called “wait
in fucking line,” bitch. Okay. Oh. I was… Man: Someone’s in here! Oh, how long
are you gonna be? -As long as it takes.
-Come on. Who takes a shit in a bar?! God. Oh! Oh, my God. Okay. [breathing heavily] [dryer whooshing] You’re making me do this! Oh, God. Don’t come out
until I say! Oh! -Jesus, lady.
-Oh, God, shut up. -Ahh!
-[knock on door] Ocupado!
Ocupado!! God! Oh! Are you still not
a fan of normal? Oh, God. [groaning] Well, I guess my dreams
of working at Cunningham’s Insurance
is dead. [chuckles] -What is so funny?
-I told you to hold it. I couldn’t, Jayne. 30 ounces of coffee
and a shit-ton of tequila, it was like a damn geyser. Well, I still don’t think
that’s a deal-breaker. I mean, they make
pornos about that. Oh, my quads hurt
from squatting. You know why
this happened, right? It’s ’cause you didn’t
pay it forward right. You had
all that negative energy
while you were paying — I’m gonna pay you fucking
forward in the face, Jayne. See, there’s
the negative energy. I wasn’t into him anyway. Yeah, why
would you be, Olivia? A hot CEO with
Pantene Pro-V hair, a great sense of humor. Wow, let’s kill him! He was frickin’ marriage
material, Olivia. So what?
Not everybody wants to get married with kids
by 30, Jayne. -Well, you’re pushing 40.
-Yeah. And with only one serious
relationship under your belt. So… ♪ I know you could be ♪ ♪ The one who saves me ♪ ♪♪ Give me your phone. Are we gonna Tinder? Fuck yeah.
We are swiping right! -Whoo!
-Whoo! Cheers! -Cheers!
-Cheers! ♪ To bring ours back
where we used to be ♪ All right. [electronic chiming] [sighs] [sighs] [chiming continues] [sighs] [sighs] Oh. [sighs] [chiming continues] Oh, God. ♪♪ Oh my God. ♪♪ Jayne? Jayne? Jayne?! -Good morning, pukey.
-What the fuck is that beeping? -What beeping?
-Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, fuck. Shut up. Holy shit!
252 matches? Oh, to be young again. How many times
did I swipe right?! [chanting] Swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe! Another match! [crowd cheers] I can’t hear you! Yeah. I got a boyfriend! I got a boyfriend! Oh. Oh, shh! Sorry. Ohh. [sighs] 252 guys swiped right on me? Whatever. Just write it off
to a fun, drunken night. Then you can go back
to your regularly scheduled programming of cubicles
and conference calls. You know what? Fuck it. I’m done doing that. I mean, I’m still gonna
work with the cubicles and conference calls.
I love my job. But last night was
the most fun I’ve had ever, even though I power-pissed in
a urinal in front of a hot CEO. [sighs] I still don’t think
that’s a deal-breaker. Yesterday,
I woke up fine — totally happy with where I was
and how my life was going. And then it’s like…
all of a sudden, I’m old. And I realized
last night that… I’ve been a swipe-left girl. A what? I’ve been swiping left
on life, and it’s just…
passing me by. Well, I’m done doing that. From now on,
I’m the swipe-right girl. I’m gonna go out
with every single one of those motherfuckers. All of them? I don’t know, Mom,
I’m having a moment here. Hmm. You’re gonna go out
with this dude? -Oh, my God.
-Can’t we go on double dates? Absolutely not, Mom. I’m not getting into
another relationship with you still living here. We saw how that
worked out last time. Whoa! Suddenly, you’re
getting into a relationship? No, I’m just saying
that maybe it’s good that
we try something new. -It could be fun.
-Well, what about me? You just take care of that kid
and keep those nipples covered. It’s gross. I hate my body. This guy is pretty hot. -Minus the five-toed shoes.
-Jayne: That’s fixable. There’s gotta be at least
one good one on here, right? Well… [sighs] Click to watch another
free episode of “Sideswiped,” or you can sign up to binge
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free for 30 days. ♪♪ ♪♪